Forgiveness
“Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:32
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In his book, People Fuel: Fill Your Tank for Life, Love, and Leadership, Dr. John Townsend calls forgiveness “one of the most powerful and energizing relational nutrients that exists” (p. 113). We ask for (confession and repentance) and receive God’s forgiveness through the saving grace of Jesus Christ. This vertical dimension of forgiveness is the foundation for the human or horizontal dimension of forgiveness (Luke 23:34). We forgive one another because God first forgave us, and still forgiveness is a challenging emotional process for many believers.
In this Thrive in 5, you will learn more about forgiving and how to experience its healing power.
- Understand the 2 dimensions of forgiveness. Forgiveness researcher, Dr. Everett Worthington identified 2 dimensions of forgiveness, a “decisional dimension” and an “emotional dimension.” Decisional forgiveness rests upon your intentional, cognitive choice to forgive someone. Then you line up your behavior and speech with your decision to forgive. In contrast emotional forgiveness rests upon deeper healing of your heart. With emotional forgiveness you feel differently. You discover you have let go of negative emotions like hatred, anger, and fear, and instead you feel compassion, kindness, and even agape love toward your wrongdoer. With which type of forgiveness are you most familiar, decisional or emotional?
- Understand the 2 directions of forgiveness. Forgiveness also has 2 directions: forgiveness given and forgiveness sought. When you forgive another, you cancel the debt you believe the other person owes you, just as God has canceled the “debt” you owed to Him, and which you could never repay (Mt. 18:21-35). You are following Jesus’ example (Eph 4:32). When you seek forgiveness, you own up to what you have done that has broken trust. You confess (I did it), apologize (I am sorry), repent (it won’t happen again), and repair the damage or work to demonstrate your trustworthiness. Do you need to seek or give forgiveness? Which direction is easier for you to enact?
- Experience the power of empathy. Empathy is seeing your relationship through the other person’s eyes. Neither injured party nor wrongdoer find empathy appealing when self-justification is easier. When wrongdoers empathize with injured parties, they acknowledge how hurtful their actions/words were and own the hurt they caused without “yes, but you…” statements. When injured parties empathize with wrongdoers, they begin to understand how the other person experienced the same event (See Heb 4:14-16 for an example of Jesus’ empathy for us) and can see the circumstances that influenced the wrongdoer’s choices. Empathy opens the door to emotional healing. Can you tell the story of the wounding event from the other person’s viewpoint?
- Seek God’s healing for your heart. The emotional cost of relationship wounds is great. When you are the wrongdoer, you may experience guilt, shame, disappointment, anguish, and even hopelessness because violations of trust cannot be returned to “factory settings.” You must demonstrate trustworthy behavior over time restore trust. However, the negative emotions named above can derail your best intentions. You may go into “self-protective mode” and either shut down or lash out to avoid the negative emotions. Instead of self-protection, seek God’s healing for your heart. Likewise, when you are the injured party, you may experience rage, anger, fear, and even a desire for revenge (e.g., Gen. 27:41; Gen. 19:20; Ps. 69). You, too, go into “self-protective mode” and shut down or lash out to avoid a repeat experience. Decisional forgiveness is your first step (Mt. 6:12). Then seek God’s healing for your heart to experience emotional forgiveness. Do you need to experience God’s healing touch? Who can walk with you through this process?
- Consider the possibility of reconciliation. While God’s forgiveness ushers in immediate reconciliation with God (2 Cor. 5:18-21), the same process is takes longer between people. Forgiving and repenting make reconciliation possible but not inevitable. The offender’s work is to demonstrate consistent changed behavior over time consistent to show trustworthiness. The greater the violation of trust, the longer it will take to restore justice, fairness, and safety in your relationship. The injured party’s work is to acknowledge any efforts of changed behavior as you hold onto decision or emotional forgiveness. When a forgiving injured party meets a repentant wrongdoer, the groundwork for reconciliation is laid. Is reconciling a possibility (sometimes it isn’t if no changed behavior over time has happened)? If reconciling is possible, where are you in the process of reconciliation: beginning, middle, end?
Resources
Virginia T. Holeman, Reconcilable Differences, Ch.6 Seeking Forgiveness and Ch. 7 Extending Forgiveness
Everett Worthington, REACH Forgiveness of Others
http://www.evworthington-forgiveness.com/reach-forgiveness-of-others
Forgiving What You Can’t Forget, Lysa TerKeurst. https://youtu.be/vVGh0kxR0lQ?si=1Ul_fYQza1agQ_Gn
Billy Graham Archives, The Power of Forgiveness https://youtu.be/-bSzmwDUdLk?si=rzLAVZoFn9HUZqKA
Emotional contributor: Dr. Virginia T. Holeman
Executive editor: Johanna Chacon Rugh
Curator of content: Carla Working
