“Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.” Galatians 5:25
Self-Control as a Relationship Skill
Gal. 5: 22-23 lists the nine Fruit of the Spirit. We can experience love, joy, peace, goodness individually when we watch a beautiful sunset or gaze at a magnificent mountain. But we are “persons-in-relationship” so that we manifest other Fruit of the Spirit (forbearance, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control) in relationship. Specifically, as a church leader, how does your self-control shape your leadership style? How do those you lead adjust their behaviors when your self-control has reached its outer limits?
In this Thrive in Five we focus on self-control as an important relationship-enhancing skill.
Thrive in Five
- Self-control as a behavioral choice. How do you define self-control? Psychology offers two definitions. Self-control is the ability to regulate one’s thoughts, emotions, and actions when faced with temptations. This definition is easily applied to goals such as weight loss, increased exercise, etc. In these examples, self-control is associated with willpower and environmental control [i.e., don’t walk by the dessert table]. An alternative definition is: “Self-control refers to the pursuit of an enduringly valued goal despite the momentary dominance of a less valued alternative.”1 The emphasis is on the relative strength of valued goals. If you value winning an argument more than listening to the other person, what might happen during conflict? If you value maintaining peace at any price more than displeasing another person, what happens when you need to say “no” to a request? Can you identify the values that shape your relationships as a church leader? Thinking back to a relationship conflict, what values were in competition? Which value goal shaped your words and actions?
- Self-control as emotional self-regulation. Do you have relationships where your “buttons” are quickly pushed by another person? Are there individuals in your congregation who easily get under your skin? Difficult people are part of every congregation, and Jesus loves them, too, even if you may find them more difficult to love. When we think about self-control as our capacity to manage our own emotional overwhelm, we are taking about skills that help us to stay interpersonally present and relatively calm during hard conversations. When we experience anxiety and anger, we can respond to others by taking over [overtalking them, demanding our way], by caving into what the other person wants to appease them and giving up our own perspective/goals, and/or by momentarily (or permanently) withdrawing from the relationship emotionally and/or physically. These actions are indicators that our flight/flight/freeze response has been activated, and we have shifted into self-protective mode to stay emotionally safe. With whom do you struggle to stay emotionally present when a discussion gets tense? Under what leadership contexts do you feel most threatened? How do you tend to respond?
- Cultivate self-awareness. When you are feeling “tip top,” who are you in the context of your challenging relationships? How do you act and what do you think about yourself and the other person when your emotional and relational self-control is well in place? Are these the times when you show love, patience, kindness, forbearance to the other person? On the other hand, who are you when your self-control is slipping? How do you act and what do you think about yourself and the other person? In fact, how aware are you when your self-control is slipping? In addition to being a Fruit of the Spirit Sel, control is like a muscle that we can strengthen. Your first step is self-assessment and self-awareness. Can you be brave enough to ask trusted colleagues and family members to tell you about yourself during times when you do and do not display relationship self-control. It’s comforting to hear the “good,” and hard to hear other’s experience of us when we are not at our finest. Try to set aside self-justification (“yeah, but…”). Take a deep breath and listen without defensiveness. Consider Gal. 5: 16-26 in light of these concepts. What is the Holy Spirit showing you that can help you become a more Christlike leader of your church community and your family in your exercise of self-control?
- Cultivate contextual awareness. In some contexts, leaders can rise to the top as models of self-control during hard discussions. In other contexts, your self-control unravels. You may become defensive, demanding, and reactive (a fight response) instead of curious, and open to others’ perspectives. In contrast, you might shut-down, withdraw, and go silent (a “flight response”) instead of remaining emotionally present and engaged in the tense discussion. Both fight behaviors and flight behaviors are signals that our self-control is fraying, and we have shifted into self-protective mode. Can you name the situations where you go into fight behaviors or flight behaviors? What differences or similarities do you notice? What do you do restore connection with others after your self-protection behavior is no longer active?
- Engage a spiritual director or Christian leadership coach. Developing leadership self-control isn’t done by simply gritting your teeth and trying harder. You may need to unpack some family of origin dynamics wherein you learned patterns of relationship management. Many church leaders find it easier to be vulnerable with someone outside of their own church community. Your coach or spiritual director can also help you to explore you conflict management styles and discuss how your preferred styles may enhance or detract from your relationships. A coach or spiritual director can also help you develop emotional self-regulation skills. You can check with Wesleyan headquarters for resources to help you thrive. Also two avenues for Christian coaching are listed in the resources below. What are your next steps to enhance your leadership self-control?
Resources
The Wesleyan Church, https://www.wesleyan.org/ecd/thriving-clergy
James Clear. (2018). Chapter 7 The Secret to Self-Control (pp. 91-100). Atomic Habits, Avery.
Emma Danzey, A Deeper Study of the Fruit of the Spirit: Self-Control. May 21, 2024; https://www.biblestudytools.com/bible-study/topical-studies/a-deeper-study-of-the-fruit-of-the-spirit-self-control.html
Kevin Chapman, 2025, Mastering Our Emotions: Biblical Principles for Emotional Health. Chapter 2 The Purpose of Your Emotions
N.T. Wright, Galatians, IVP. Chapter 8 Spirit & Flesh Gal 5: 7-21; Chapter 9 Fruit of the Spirit Gal 5:22-6:5
Ministerial Coaching Resources:
Flourishing in Ministry, “Get a Coach” https://www.flourishinginministry.org/coaching-program
Ministerial Coaching Initiative, Point Loma Nazarene University, https://www.pointloma.edu/centers-institutes/center-pastoral-leadership/ministerial-coaching-initiative
Relational contributor: Dr. Virginia T. Holeman
Executive editor: Johanna Chacon Rugh
Curator of content: Carla Working
