Offering comfort
In his book, People Fuel, Dr. John Townsend highlights 22 “nutrients” that contribute to our wellbeing. According to Dr. Townsend, comfort is “the relational nutrient that best addresses loss” (p. 97). 2 Corinthians 1 highlights the way comfort becomes a reciprocal process. We receive comfort, and in turn, we offer comfort to others.
This Thrive in 5 focuses on the nutrient of comfort. Consider these five steps as different components of comfort.
- Offer unconditional love and presence. Townsend rightly observes that God did not create us “to lose, and we are not born with the skills to deal with our losses” (p. 98). At times of loss, we need others to help us bear the burden of grieving. For example, Mary and Martha, reached out to Jesus after their brother, Lazarus died (Jn. 11:3). In addition, many Jews from the area sought to comfort Mary and Martha (Jn. 11:31). When Jesus and his disciples arrived in Bethany, Jesus’ identity as the “resurrection and the life” comforted Mary and Martha. How readily do you reach out to a supportive friend to receive comfort during a time of loss? How often do you offer comfort to other people at times of loss?
- Support the hard work of grieving. Grieving is exhausting. Those who grieve experience sadness, anger, guilt, loneliness, fatigue, or yearning for the return of that which was lost. Grief work allows one to say goodbye so that the one who grieves can once again be open to new opportunities and new people. Your loving presence facilitates and supports grief work. How well do you understand the grief process as it may be expressed emotionally, cognitively, and behaviorally? Can you “be with” the other person without trying to change how they feel?
- Let the grieving person lead the conversation. Comfort may best be offered in silence. Trying to cheer them up invalidates their sad feelings. Instead of trying to cheer them up, move toward their sadness. Let your posture, tone of voice, facial expressions and words say, “I am here for you in all of your pain.” Take the advice of Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.” If the other person wants to talk about their sadness, follow their lead. Can you sit with someone who is sad and not say anything to “cheer them up?”
- Attune to the sadness. Attunement is the process of being aware of and matching the other’s feeling to create emotional synchrony. When you attune to the grieving person’s emotions, you provide comfort. You are validating their emotions through this warm and kind process. In the face of Mary and Martha’s intense grief, Jesus attuned to their sadness and expressed his attunement through his tears (Jn. 11:35). Can you be fully present and attune to the sadness of those who have experienced loss without becoming overwhelmed by their emotions?
- Take time to recover. When you offer comfort to another, you expend energy. You are attuning to their sadness. You are listening with empathy. You are giving them your undivided attention. And when you part from them, you may need to take some time for yourself to refuel. You may experience your own sense of helplessness and loss. Refueling can be as brief as stepping outside for a breath of fresh air, taking a break from intense connection with sadness. Or you need more than a brief break. How do you refuel after providing comfort to someone in mourning?
Resources
John Townsend, People Fuel, Chapter 7, Quadrant 1: Be Present, Zondervan
Kristi Kanel, A Guide to Crisis Intervention, Chapter 6, Crisis of Loss, Cengage
8 ways of providing comfort – https://wecareonlineclasses.com/8-ways-of-providing-comfort/
What not to say to comfort a friend. https://youtu.be/Jdtzuo63oiM?si=q8fw79jEKJmJKM-g
Relational contributor: Virginia T. Holeman, PhD., LMFT, LPCC, Retired Chair of the Department of Counseling and Pastoral Care, Asbury Theological Seminary
Executive editor: Johanna Chacon Rugh
Curator of content: Carla Working
