Loneliness
Loneliness is a painful, negative emotion generated by the gap between the social connections and interactions you have compared to what you want to have. According to John T. Cacioppo, PhD. from the University of Chicago, “Loneliness is an aversive signal much like thirst, hunger, or pain.” Loneliness is not good for us because God created us to live in community with one another and with God (e.g., Gen. 2:18, Eph. 4:1-6). The answer to loneliness isn’t found in more time online or scrolling on social media. While digital connection offers anytime, anywhere access to friends and family, it also offers an illusion of connection. Electronically-mediated communication provides the comfort of connection (temporarily) without the on-going demands and messiness of in-person community. Walking away from someone feels different than turning off Face Time, logging off Instagram, or reading a text message. The opposite of loneliness is belonging. Discipleship practices can foster connectedness and authentic conversation that are antidotes to loneliness.
In this Thrive in Five, you will learn how various Christian discipleship practices can reduce loneliness.
1. Practice hospitality. According to Christine D. Pohl, author of Making Room, Christian hospitality is offering a warm welcome to the stranger in our midst, caring for those on the margins of our comfortable Christian social circles, initiating face to face encounters that offer us the opportunity to share the love of God with the “unloved” or “less loved” other. Christian hospitality can be awkward and messy as we build new relationships. Christian hospitality does not just apply to the strangers in our midst. It also applies to people you know who could become more fully integrated into your fellowship groups. See Heb 3:12, Mt 25:34-36, 1: Peter 4:9. Who in your circle of contacts is on “the margins” of Christian connection with you and your church community? What can you do to reach out and make connection that is face to face in the same geographic space?
2. Practice interpersonal skills that foster a sense of belonging in others. Making human connections is based on several key skills. People foster a sense of belonging in others through genuineness (openness to connection and willingness to self-disclose), congruence (being the same person in different contexts), unconditional positive regard (accepting others as they are and “seeing” them for who they are) and empathy (listening to the unspoken need for connection and the barriers that exist). These four qualities tell others that they matter to you and you want to know them and to be known by them. Connection is a two-way relationship, one in which you BOTH give and receive. See I Peter 4:8-10, Eph 4:15; Ph 2:1-4). Which of the interpersonal skills comes easiest to you? Which is most difficult? Who do you know that is a “master of connection”? What can you learn from that person?
3. Practice actions that foster belonging. In addition to the interpersonal skills of genuineness, congruence, unconditional positive regard, and empathy, our behaviors can increase a sense of belonging in others. First, give the person your undivided attention. Put away your phone. Refuse to respond to a call or text. If you are monitoring your phone for an urgent message, let the other person know that this is your situation. Meet with another person for prayer or Bible study – not just by the phone or by sharing prayer requests through text — meet in-person. You can then use electronic communication to enhance your relationship once a relationship has been established. How aware are you of how often you are distracted by your own electronic devices? How comfortable are you giving someone your undivided attention?
4. Build a culture of Christian connection. The Covid-19 Pandemic thrust many churches into social media overload to stay open. Now we use our commuters and smart phones to stay connected – often too much. In contrast, a culture of community builds with small actions and activities are done often with others. Small actions invest time in others and say to them “You matter to me.” It is also important to show up for one another at important life events or life transitions (e.g., Heb 10:25). How well has your church “recovered” face-to-face interactions that happen in the same place, breathing the same air? How does your church calendar build and/or erode opportunities for meaningful connection with others?
5. Take Positive Action When You Feel Lonely. A popular leadership saying is, “It’s lonely at the top.” Church leaders are not immune to loneliness. When you feel lonely, what can you do? Here are a few ideas. First, identify your “loneliness triggers” and plan to take countermeasures when one of your triggers is coming up. Second, pay attention to how your own thought patterns may magnify your sense of loneliness and prevent you from initiating connection with others. Third, take in the wonder of God’s creation. Fourth, invest in those who are on the margins of your community. What does your anti-loneliness plan look like?
References
Sherry Terkle, “One Chair,” Reclaiming Conversation, Penguin Random House, 2025.
Archibald Hart and Sylvia Hart Frejd, The Digital Invasion: How Technology is Shaping You and Your Relationships. Baker Books, 2013.
Richard Pile, The Dangers of Loneliness, https://youtu.be/sPsvOd-kwVU?si=OTBUsuz43ydQHWHX
Jackie E. Perry, The Soul Well Center (training church people how to have meaningful conversations). https://www.instagram.com/thesoulwellcenter/?hl=en
Jonathan Haidt, Part 3: The Rise of the Phone-Based Childhood. The Anxious Generation, Penguin Books, 2024.
Emotional contributor: Dr. Virginia T. Holeman
Executive editor: Johanna Chacon Rugh
Curator of content: Carla Working
